well just when you thought i'd never write in this thing again....

work's going great.....should be full time by beginning of next year....getting plenty of hours now, usually at least 30, if not more.....then about 6-12 more at hisra each week.....which is what i need if i'm going to start paying off those loans....which starts like, tomorrow....

i miss my heather, i really do....and i miss the college life....it gets kinda lonely here, in my apartment by myself....and it's been incredibly hard to stay involved at church due to working 2nd shift and often working 12 hours shifts on sunday....part of it is me just being plain old unwilling to get up and go to church, after not getting home til midnight the night before....i'm working on it though....and trying to work on going to wednesday night prayer and praise too....

i went to intersection last wednesday night....it was fun to see everyone again and to see all the new people.....but it's weird, b/c i'm not in that stage of life anymore....

i don't know what in the world i'm going to do about grad school.....i really love my job at methodist and wanna keep it.....so the only reasonable choice for grad school will be isu.....prolly part time and commuting....might be better if i at least move to the other side of peoria though....it takes me about 20 minutes just to get to methodist from willow knolls....

so if i go to isu....that kinda puts a damper on the whole wanting to integrate psychology and christianity....i'm still sour about the whole wheaton-thing....i don't want to reapply....is that bad?  should i freaking get over it already?  i just really feel like i worked my butt off for 4 years and got (almost) nothing to show for it.....not to mention spending hours and hours on grad apps and essays and traveling and interviewing and ending up w/ NADA....it still hurts....

and so now i think i have no shot in the world to get a doctorate....i don't even want to waste my time on doctoral degree apps.....or at least i couldn't get into a good school....i don't even remember what i got on my gre....1190?  not so good compared to other people in my field....

i wish i could go back and repeat my senior year....it sucked, it really, really did.....worse out of all 4 years.....i was sick at least half the time.....if it wasn't vertigo or freaking whatever that was, it was chronic fatigue, the stomache flu, kidney stones, horrible colds.....seriously, i would spend my weekends sleeping and doing homework....oh and grad school crap.....first semester doing apps and essays....2nd semester going to freaking california and wheaton and interviewing.....

which btw.....i am definitely not going to reapply to california....even if i thought i could get in (which i don't) it's just way, way too expenisve and way, way too far away....

so i wish i could redo my sr year....spend more time w/ friends....less time harping over school and crap....b/c in the end it didn't even pay off....i didn't even enjoy kappa phi or cru anymore....they became burdens.....more things i had to do.....don't get me wrong, i love the organizations and of course all the people....but i was just so TIRED all the time....drained, emotionally drained.....no wonder i was sick the whole year....

and i think that's why i miss bradley....b/c i didn't get to experience all i wanted to my senior year....

i'm debating....i journaled throughout my college career....i have about oh, 8 or 9 word documents, each a different semester....i guess i didn't really start til my sophomore year....i'd have to go look....but that's the debate....yeah i'm a counselor now and i know how valuable and great journaling can be....but then i also know how going back over what you've wrote can be a bad thing.....reliving the past....soooo my debate is....do i go back and read it?  any of it?  i definitely know there's some stuff in there that'll hurt to relive....and of course i was the kind of journal-er that would write when she was feeling most...upset usually, tho sometimes happy/excited.....but xanga was more my fluff journal, that i would write in when excited, and my Word journal was more of my crying out loud-type stuff.....

but i guess i'm really just debating this now, b/c i've been thinking how much i miss bradley and college in general and certain people and thinking about some regrets i have....3 big ones specifically....one i just talked about, my sr year.....the 2nd....well that was something else that happened in college, b4 my senior year...but continued into my sr year...and then of course the 3rd, which happened even b4 i went to college, back in mid-high school, soph-jr years....

wow this was really kind of a downer-entry....

well for heaven's sake....the cardinals are losing 0-10 in the FIFTH against the braves....my how the mighty have fallen.....9 behind the brewers.....yeah and this new mike maroth guy is NO GOOD...

had 2 incredibly boring work ed days today and yesterday.....couldn't tell you which was even a little better than the other....well prolly today cuz we got done early....but at least after taking cpi aka "nonviolent physical crisis intervention" i am now somewhat more prepared that before to take anyone down on the unit....well anyone who's smaller than me....which basically limits me to the actual children's unit....and maybe some of those skinny ado girls....definitely not the 350lb kid we apparently have now....good lord!!!!

well tina's wedding was fun....survived the 13 hour drive down and back w/ mom, dad, liz, and kari's bf reuben.....kari was a bridesmaid so she flew down a couple days before....got an invite to my other cousin sara's bridal shower in august....that's on the hillman side....which means it's going to be painful....it's already been painful for others in my fam, as i have been fortunate enough to miss out on the last 2 family gatherings, where apparently that is ALL we talk about....yeah my aunt's a lot to take....actually, THREE of my aunts are hard to take.....lay low....that's my immediate family's policy....don't do anything to draw attention to yourself....altho now that doesn't really sound like too bad an idea.....just don't make it too major or heaven forbid something that could be seen as potentially negative....i think i held my breath when i told my family at easter that i wasn't going to grad school....i didn't even really have to say that i didn't get in....just that it wasn't going to work out....

well i've just had the suckiest day in a long while....i couldn't fall asleep for HOURS last night, despite being awake by 8:30 that morning....and it's freaking hot enough to drop dead outside....so my air's on for the first time ever....which makes it comfortable in here but i can't afford to run it for long....

so then i go to jcpenney today....and this bitch behind me in line starts talking all snooty to her friend b/c the cashier had to run over to another dept b/c i said something was marked cheaper than it rang up....cuz you know i can't afford to pay full price anyways....so i wanted to hit her....i really really did....and i know it shouldn't have bothered me like it did....but it did.....she's like oh we have to wait b/c she decided to go here instead of in the lingerie dept.....well excuse me!!  i didn't realize that even tho i had been looking and trying on things in THAT dept that i still needed to return to the ORIGINAL dept i was in, even tho it was in the back of the store.....stupid bitch....grow up will you?? 

so then i'm all bent out of shape for basically no reason....guess i need to grow up too.....

so then i come home and decide i need to pay my credit card....so i go to my online statement and nearly drop dead (despite now being inside, in the air conditioning)....b/c apprently they did not have my last payment on there plus a 39.00 late fee....so now i have this HUGE bill that of course i can't afford to pay right now....and so i call....try to call....only to find out that to report an error on the statement i have to WRITE A LETTER!!  what is this the 1800s????  who has to write letters anymore???  i switched to paying online to AVOID THE MAIL AND POSTAGE!!!!  which is what got me in trouble in the first place....b/c this was my first time paying online....and apparently i don't know how to do that....

so i'm pissed at that chick....i'm pissed at capital one....i'm pissed at myself, b/c i'm getting no hours and have no money.....and i'm freaking pissed at hirsa, b/c there are a total of like 10 people who are working programs this summer, so how the freak am i supposed to find someone to work for me??????????  guess i won't go to my cousin's wedding.....but i guess it's all my fault for not trying to switch earlier....

i like work alright but it's freaking boring b/c there's been 2, 3, okay at most FIVE patients on the unit....it feels like i'm lifeguarding again.....except i now can surf the internet....but i'm doing crosswords and sudoku again.....it's so bare that staff are being floated to the other units EVERY SHIFT and others are just plain being called off....which means as prn...now that i'm almost done training.....i will get a total of oh maybe 3 days to work in july and august....

i'm training nights tomorrow and wednesday......as in 3rd shift.....if 2nd shift is unbearable how terrible will 3rds be??  there's not enough charting and filing and crap to do for 8 hours when there's nooooo patients up!!!

well better update in case my heather's reading....she called me the other day yay!  i miss my heather but she's having fun....drinking...what are they called again?  water ices?  something water....and something else.  it's what maryland-ers call slushies...

work's going well....only worked 2 days so far....3 patients so it's incredibly slow and laid back....which i guess is good....as opposed to be thrown into chaos....the people i work w/ are nice....most remember me from when i interned....i know my way around and the basic routine...days go by pretty quickly, which is nice....8.5 hours is usually more than i've ever worked at a time.....well last summer i usually worked around that.....have only done 1st shifts so far....couple more of those and then start on 2nds next week....tomorrow i'm not on the unit....have an orientation session for behavioral health...then i work sat and sun days and then off until next wednesday.....then i have another orientation/training type thing....

got my own key to the unit, which makes me feel pretty special....however they're in the middle of a key situation, as an employee apparently lost a master key so they had to change locks and get new keys, which haven't come in yet....so i have a key that gets me onto the unit....but it won't get me off....kinda funny....and have to borrow 2 keys then to get to a bathroom.....and into other rooms, cuz everything's locked on the unit....kitched, break room, locker room, activity room, linens, empty patient rooms, conference rooms, fire extinguishers....which i have a key for that....

but i'm really liking it so far....but ask me again when we have 20 patients.....or at least more than 10....diana warned me it was slow during the summer but apparently this is extra slow....

so i had to get another hepatitis b vaccine on tuesday.....b/c apparently it showed up that i didnt have the antibodies or whatever in my blood....we had to have hep b before high school so it'd been awhile....and they found this out b/c they made me get blood drawn the first day of orientation......which made me pass out....or nearly pass out....it was NOT good, either way.  i'm scared to death to get blood work done again...they said i prolly won't have a problem if they lay me down.....which is what they did last time, in the health center fall semester...i got a little woozy then i remember.....had to chug some gatorade before i could leave....and back in march in the ED during the kidney stone incident, i was already out of it, flat on my back on a bed in pain, so a little blood being drawn and IV gettin' put in didn't really make that much of a difference....it was when they took the IV out.....oh just thinking about it makes me nauseous....usually that's all that happens.....break out in a sweat and feel so close to puking....buuuut the other day it went a step further than that...and i almost ended up on the floor....

ok that's enough of that....my apartment's shaping up quite nicely....getting some decorations.....still workin' on getting my bookshelf up....oh and the curtains....but i am so excited that i might not even have to rely on air conditioning at all this summer!  it seriously stays sooooo cool in here despite 90 degree heat outside.....a far cry from st james, where it'd be a mere 80 degrees outside but nearly 100 inside!!!

starting work tomorrow....not so nervous, cuz i got 2 days of overall methodist orientation....which i've been thru before.....2 days of boredom....least i get paid for it this time (i think...).  but gotta be up at 6:30AM....i can't even remember the last time i had to get up that early!  graduation day.....i think i had to get up at like 7:30....last summer i was getting up around 7am everyday or earlier....but that was a whole freakin' year ago....

by the way, happy 4 year anniversary to ROCKY!  this is abouts the time, 4 years ago, when he came into our lives via the engine of a car in the flanagan unit #4 school parking lot during summer swim team practice.....i was at bradley orientation w/ my parents....kari was the swim team coach then and some of her kids brought a small gray and white kitten in from the parking lot....so kari (and liz) called mom/dad to see if they could bring him home.....they were the ones to name him rocky.....but now he's mostly my kitty!